Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
