I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
