never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
