I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
