I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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