My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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