Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
