i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
