I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
