I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
