we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
