she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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