I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
