mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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