alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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