if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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