I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
