u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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