she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
