I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
