Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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