If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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