Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
