my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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