brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
