It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
