iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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