So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
