she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
