Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
