he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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