we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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