Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
