Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
