in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
