I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
