Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
