My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My pussy is not your playground.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
