Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
