I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
