I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
