Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
