I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
