ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He shit in the fireplace
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
