I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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