I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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