I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
