Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
