I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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