I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
